From Modesty to Marketability: 10 LinkedIn Tips For Social Media Stardom

In an era where your LinkedIn profile can either be your stairway to career heaven or a slide into professional obscurity, it’s crucial to handle your online presence with an almost religious dedication. Here are the ten commandments from the latest self-improvement study, guaranteed to inflate not just your social media interactions but your ego too.

1. Be as Authentically Conforming as Possible: Authenticity on LinkedIn doesn’t mean being yourself, but a highly marketable version of yourself. Remember, you’re not just a person; you’re a brand. Wear that curated persona with pride!
   
   
2. Harass Your Close Friends and Family to Like, Share, and Comment: It’s not real love unless it’s publicly displayed on LinkedIn. If your closest 300 connections aren’t tired of your notifications, are you even trying?
   
   
3. Lose Sleep Over Your Next Post: Who needs eight hours of sleep when you can spend those hours obsessing over whether your next post will be the one to go viral? Remember, dark circles under your eyes can be covered, but a lack of likes is publicly visible.
   
   
4. Plan Every Post One-Month Ahead of Time: Predictability Beats Creativity Every Time: Why risk spontaneity when you can plan your every online move with the precision of a chess grandmaster? If your audience doesn’t know exactly when you’ll post that inspirational quote over a high-res office background, how can they schedule their admiration?
   
   
5. Punish Yourself if Posts Are Not Increasingly Attracting Impressions: Self-optimisation is key. If you aren’t perpetually improving your engagement metrics, you’re basically going backward. Set up a system: No likes? No lunch. It’s the only way to learn.
   
   
6. Use Every Buzzword, Regardless of Relevance: If your post isn’t littered with terms like “synergy,” “blockchain,” and “growth hacking,” do you even business? It doesn’t matter if they make sense. It’s about perception, not reality.
   
   
7. Make Every Achievement Sound Like a Nobel Prize: Did you just complete a routine project management course? No, you spearheaded a revolutionary, industry-disrupting educational achievement that will redefine company standards.
   
   
8. Tag Everyone, Especially CEO’s: The more C-level, or even Ex-C-levels execs that appear in your posts, the better. It doesn’t matter if they have no idea who you are. It’s all about who you appear to know.
   
   
9. Endorse Others Only to Get Endorsements Back: Never give without expecting something in return. This isn’t just networking; it’s an endorsement economy. Spend these wisely but expect high ROI.
   
   
10. Meditate & Attract Your LinkedIn Success: Spend a few minutes each day meditating and admiring your profile. It’s not just a profile; it’s a masterpiece. You’re not just a professional; you’re a legend in your own lunchtime.
    
    

Follow these ten foolproof tips, and not only will your LinkedIn flourish, but your ego will swell to match. Get posting and remember – if you’re not out there being your best “LinkedIn self,” are you even a professional?