Friday, November 22, 2024
BRUSSELS—In a revolutionary approach defying conventional recruitment norms, Steven Rushmore, a local hiring manager, recently announced his schedule is too crammed for the outdated and time-consuming process of job interviews, despite needing to fill a position he’s described as “extremely urgent.”
“I’ve got back-to-back meetings, a pile of reports to read or ignore, and an inbox full of emails I’ll never read,” Rushmore stated, while simultaneously scrolling through his social media feed. “Time? For interviews? What is this, a leisure cruise?”, he said as he chuckled in disbelief.
The position, which has been open since the dawn of digital age, requires a unique blend of skills, experience, and telepathic abilities, given that the new hire will receive no training, orientation, or even a friendly nod in the hallway. “We’re looking for a self-starter who can hit the ground running, today if possible,” Rushmore explained, checking his watch for the fifteenth time in three minutes.
Instead of interviews, candidates are being asked to submit a 15-page essay on why they deserve the job, along with a detailed plan on how they’ll single-handedly save the company in the first week. “It’s a great opportunity for them to show initiative,” Rushmore noted, as he declined another meeting request from HR.
Candidates still interested in the role are advised to invest in a good printer for their essays and perhaps also learn the ancient art of fortune-telling. “It’s all about being proactive and intuitive,” Rushmore advised, before excusing himself to attend a seminar on time management.
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